Thursday, March 6, 2014

Progress in America:

(5) The Oscars - Getting There

    Been to the Oscars lately?  Probably not.  But maybe curious?  Want to know what it takes to get there?  Here’s my take:

    There are precisely 3,401 seats in the acoustically fabulous Dolby Theater.  The tickets (at the level I can vouch for, middle of the third mezzanine or 5th floor) are stamped $100.  But ... of course, to arrive to take such a seat you need a limo or some such conveyance.  Let’s assume (generously) that 5 passengers hoping to take their seats in the Dolby are in each of these vehicles.  That would mean that there are six hundred and one vehicles taking people to the Oscars.

        Just an aside for all of you greenies: Assume that the average method of arrival (limo, large SUV, etc.) gets about 13 mpg in the city when driven normally.  Keep that in mind as you read below.  I would estimate that the route we took generated a performance max of two miles per gallon.

         All 681 limos are to arrive at or about 2 p.m. along a single, predetermined route of about one, or one and a half, miles.  The route has been blocked off by the cops.  Hurricane fencing on either side of the four lane street leave 3 lanes for the fat cat cars coming to celebrate.  On the side are thousands of gawkers – finally capped by a group of right wing fanatics - crazily screaming that all the Hollywood fags and druggies will go to hell!

    Each car is racing to their common destination at somewhat less than one mile per hour.  Why?  Because of security precautions.  About a quarter of a mile prior to reaching the theater there is a police stop.  Each limo is stopped.  Open the trunk.  Cops check the trunk.  Do an under car inspection - you wouldn’t want the Oscars to bomb.  Then, after checking the credentials of the driver, the limo is waved on - into a one lane switch back marked off by heavy concrete road barriers.  Now each passes through what I estimate was seven switch backs.  Seven may not seem a lot until you think about that 40 foot stretch limo going through just one such tight turn.  Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, etc.  Then ready, ahead for the next: back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, etc.  Seven times.  Six hundred and eighty one times.  That’s a cool 4767 switch backs.  In a limo.  Think about it.  Again.  

    Think of the thousands of gallons of gas.

    When you arrive they give you a blue chit for the number of your limo when you leave.  Mine was 0414. 

    Welcome to the Oscars! Have a wonderful time! 

    You are now on the red carpet.